Monday, March 21, 2011

A Line In the Sand. Well, Honestly, It's Actually Just Sand

Perhaps it's time to change the title of these scribblings. There is no more cooking. At least for awhile.

I took a new gig. These days, I supervise a group of minimum wage earning youths. I fiddle with spreadsheets. I answer phone calls from a millionaire business owners, while I'm very busy, to discuss increases of 0.2% in food cost percentages. I field complaints about excessive mayonnaise from 39 year old housewives who haven't had intercourse in four months. I whistle when I get that nervous feeling; that suspicion that perhaps the cage door is locked, and that even if I push on it, it may not open.

I stand outside in the alley for three minutes, staring down a storm drain, and try to slow my thoughts. These are the words I say to myself: "Don't freak out man. Society is fucked. This entire social reality is a sham. You're just another fish in this big poisoned pond. Don't overestimate your importance in the universe. Just get through the day, collect your paycheck, and try not to shoot everyone. This is life as you have always known it.".

I go back inside, and my bosses love me. They think I'm the cat's meow.

Maybe I'll tell them who I actually am someday. Maybe not.

I'm micro-managing up a revolution these days. It's sad. I feel like a prostitute. But Jesus, I have to retire someday, somehow, right? The government sure as hell isn't going to help me when I'm old. Or young. Or ever. I need to make some decent cash, sooner rather than later.

Maybe I should just buy a bunch of canned goods, bottled water, ammunition, and weed. I could start writing anti-statist leaflets and handing them out in the park. Maybe I should just sell everything I own and live in the park too.

Too many decisions to make. That's always been the trouble for guys like me.

I'm spending most of my free time trying to sit still and slow down my thoughts. I read, and nap, and try to figure shit out. It's hard to tell if I'm making any progress or not.

Here's what I've learned so far.

I've been trying to figure out the nature of this existence for 17 years now. Either I'm dull and idiotic, or the answers are totally above and removed from anything I am capable of fathoming.

There is some degree of wisdom in honestly recognizing that you aren't wise.

There is zero logical evidence that any supreme being gives a rat's ass about the welfare of the beings who reside on this magical rock. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm saying the facts simply don't back up the theory.

The previous statement, once accepted and realized, is painful for some, frightening for some, and liberating for others. For me, it's painful. I really wish someone gave a fuck about this train wreck.

Virtual all of my training as a youth was wrong. It is sheer foolishness to care about most anything I was taught as relevant to life. Humanity, my trainers included, is largely confused in regard to everything.

Being loved holds real value. Loving others holds even more value. If authentic, love weakens the ego. Humans are incapable of growing while the ego is allowed to stand it's ground. Don't fear a fairy tale about the devil. Fear your ego.

I suppose that's about all I've learned. Progress as a human? Not sure. Do my thoughts even matter? Probably not.

But I'm here. And I'm saying the thoughts out loud as they pass through my mind. I'm absolutely honest about everything, with everyone.

Except my bosses.

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