Just grin and eat it...

I'm going to be in a wedding this weekend. This evening was the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. This dinner was held at a Chinese buffet. A strange sort of Chinese buffet that has more than Chinese food. Pizza, and salmon, and crayfish, and macaroni and cheese, and a salad bar. It's an odd mix. But my point is that there are a lot of options.

Far the most part, this was an enjoyable experience. Except for one thing.

Throughout most of the meal, I had to listen to a member of my family complain constantly about the available food, listing, in great detail, the variety of foods that this person refuses to eat.

Sausage. Asparagus. Green beans. All seafood. Pepperoni. Spinach. Broccoli. And on and on. Chicken? Yes, but "only white meat" (Chicken nuggets are apparently considered as white meat). Turkey? It depends on a wild array of unreasonable criteria.

I simply despise people of this nature. They are the prime example of everything that is wrong with the eating habits of modern day Americans. Spoiled, shit eating morons.

I'm not going to say that there are absolutely no restrictions concerning what I will eat. There are a few. This is the entire list:

1. Bivalves. This includes clams, mussels, and oysters. I've tried. It's a texture thing. I just can't swallow them. Oddly, I will eat scallops however. For that matter, I'll eat a lukewarm scallop cooked mid-rare.

2. Durian fruit. I tried it in culinary school. I immediately threw up in a trash can. It tastes like dirty salt and rotting onion, with the texture of snot. It's terrible. Google it. I dare you to try it. If you are brave enough, have a trashcan nearby.

3. Certain parts of shellfish. I refuse to eat the head of anything, or the tomalley from a lobster. I also refuse to eat fish eyes. I will gladly eat the cheek or collar however. And if it's fresh, I'll eat any fish, raw. Anything. Happily.

4. Bugs. I don't eat bugs. Correction. I won't eat bugs I have to chew. I've actually swallowed many insects like pills in my life, mainly as the result of drunken dares. I guess if I absolutely had to, I could just swallow bugs like aspirin.

I realize that not everyone is as adventurous of an eater as I am. That isn't why picky people piss me off though. They piss me off because they are spoiled, ungrateful, and close-minded.

Throughout a majority of the world, people have very little choice in what they get to eat on any given day. They eat whatever is available, and they learn to cook whatever is available. This is why the cuisine from India, southeast Asia, the Caribbean, and parts of Africa is so dynamic and wonderful. If 12 people get to split one old rooster on a Saturday afternoon, those 12 people are very happy. They'd also be happy to split a turtle, or a rabbit, or anything they could pull out of the water. And most likely, they know how to make it taste good.

But not here in America. Not anymore. When I worked in the grocery store, we ran out of microwavable chicken nuggets once. When confronted with this news, I actually heard a woman angrily ask "You're out? How? What am I supposed to feed my son?!"

I wanted to say, "With a mother like you, perhaps you should just let him roam free and scavenge. He can't do any worse." But I just said that I was sorry, and moved along.

I say piss on frozen food. I haven't had a microwave in my home for a year, and yet somehow I am alive. Never buy a "lunchable". To hell with Oscar Meyer as a whole. "But I'm in a hurry" you say? You don't have time to cook? Bread+lunch meat+cheese+apple=meal. They sell peanut butter and jelly in the same jar now. You can't drive a mile across suburbia without passing a produce stand. It's never been easier.

Just learn how to cook. Insist on doing it as frequently as possible. If you don't have time, you need to loosen up your schedule. FEEDING YOURSELF is a basic human responsibility. Like bathing, or getting dressed, or not shitting in your pants. You wouldn't say "I just don't have time to use the toilet", would you? There are no excuses.

Look, I like hot dogs too. And we all love an occasional glass of Kool-Aid. But I suggest that many of us really need to re-think our dietary habits.

And to that certain family member of mine... Just stop bitching and eat some actual food. It isn't going to kill you...