Crazy? Who's crazy?

Lets pause for a moment, and take a brief trip to imagination land...

Imagine me. A 31 year old man, sitting on his couch. Everyday I eat meals, and go to work, and read things, and talk with other people. I have a girlfriend who I'm about to marry. I own a cat. Every single day, I spend some time by myself, reflecting on my memories, processing new information, and trying to objectively look at the world around me. Every once in a while I try to write some of my thoughts down. It looks like I'm going to be offered a very significant promotion at work soon, but ultimately, I dream of opening a business someday.

Can you imagine it? Pretty easy to see? Nothing shocking or unusual right? Let's keep going...

The same 31 year old man. I smoke a lot of Pall Mall cigarettes. A few nights a week, I consume alcohol. I used to drink more, but I'm tiring of it as I age. Plus I work six days a week, so there just isn't time. Now I snack on a lot of pickles. I'm hypoglycemic, so sometimes when my sugar gets low, I smash a slice of wheat bread into a ball and eat it in one bite. I bite my fingernails and wiggle my big toes constantly. I also have a sleep disorder. I walk around and say crazy things while I'm asleep. Sometimes I light cigarettes or piss in the kitchen trash can while totally unconscious. I once kept a craw fish alive in a small tank on my kitchen counter for six months. Often it would escape and fight with the aforementioned cat in the middle of the night. I like to feed the squirrels in the park behind my condo. The sight of squirrels eating sunflower seeds relaxes me. My neighbor hates the squirrels, and I slightly resent her for it.

Are you still following along? Can you envision me still? I seem a bit more unusual now, right? But would you say that I'm crazy? Probably not I imagine. Perhaps you now see me as odd, but I doubt you'd call me insane....

Let's push it one step further...

Now, suppose that I told you that a unicorn lives in my extra bedroom. If you want to see it, too bad, because this unicorn is invisible. In fact, I can provide no physical evidence that it exists. Yet I assure you, it is very real.

Furthermore, I can actually communicate with this invisible unicorn. I talk with it every day of my life. While I can't actually hear it speak words, the unicorn speaks to my heart. I bring most every decision or trouble in my life to the unicorn, and somehow, in a way that is indescribable, the mythical beast tells me what to do. The unicorn helps me decide what jobs to take, or how to best deal with financial hardship, and even who to vote for. It really is pretty incredible. I've been living this way for so long, that I now realize that I would be nothing without it's presence.

Are you still trying to picture it? By now you think I'm a full blown lunatic, right? You probably would like to know if I've ever been diagnosed as schizophrenic, correct? I can imagine your faces now, looking at me as if you're worried about my well being....

How dare you! You assert that I'm insane? You ask if I have any other invisible associates? Of course not. That would be absurd!

Hold on for a second now, hold on. Give me a minute to explain myself. In fact, you may be interested to hear what I have to say...

I have to share something with you. The unicorn demands that I do so.

The unicorn wants you to know that it loves you. It loves all of us. Actually, the unicorn created you. It created me also. It created EVERYTHING, merely 6,000 years ago. All you have to do is truly believe in it's existence, and you too can have a relationship with this magical horse. I know this probably seems pretty confusing to you, but don't worry. I have a book that will help you. The unicorn's magic book. The unicorn didn't actually write it, of course, rather myself and a few dozen others did. It goes without saying, however, that the unicorn closely supervised the books construction.

What? You're going to stop reading this now? Wait a second! Hold on! Just one more thing. You see, you could be in danger!

Look, the unicorn loves you. He loves you more than you can ever imagine. But here's the thing... If you don't turn your entire life, will, and existence over to the white-horned horse at this very moment, the unicorn, in it's infinite wisdom, will wait until you die, and then it will subject you to an eternity of suffering that exceeds human comprehension! It's true. It's right here in the book.

I know what your thinking. You want to know how a horse that loves us all so much could ever send most of us into eternal agony, right? I don't have an answer. You just have to believe that the unicorn is far more intelligent than we are. Just accept it. The unicorn doesn't like to be questioned, OK?

All the unicorn asks for in return is your undying allegiance, a solemn vow to share the it's message with every human you meet, and ten percent of your income. That's gross, not net income. Oh, and if perhaps you could just show up once or twice a week down at the local....

Oh, really? You just aren't going to read anymore? Fine then. I've done what the unicorn asked of me. Out of the goodness of my heart, I'll still beseech the unicorn to forgive you, but I can't make any promises. After all, what more do you need? The unicorn has provided you with plenty of chances friend...

Somehow I suspect that if the unicorn was a man, and he lived in the sky rather than in my spare bedroom, you people could see me as the sane and rational human that I am.....