Thursday, August 12, 2010

Zatarain's tried to kill me...

I think it may be time to start observing some standard food safety and sanitation rules...

Professionally, I play it straight. I've always been pretty careful with what I serve to others, and I'm sure to maintain cleanliness. But as far as feeding myself goes, I bend the rules a little. Or a lot. Or perhaps I totally ignore most everything I know.

I'm not totally irresponsible. I wouldn't cut salad up on a cutting board covered with raw chicken. And I do wash my hands and tools, but that's about it. If I'm the one eating, I'm more than willing to take some slight risks.

Undercooked chicken wing? Yeah I'll eat it. Expiration dates? I'll be the judge. Mold? Cut it off. I'm not scared. Questionable odors from a meat product? Perhaps I should rinse it. Ground beef of unknown origins? I'll take mine mid-rare.

I've been behaving this way for a long time. And for a while, encountered no problems. I've always theorized that my body was super-powerful, most likely do to my exposure to so many pathogens. I figured I was immune to food-borne illness.

This long string of good luck only encouraged me to make more sketchy decisions. I'll eat just about anything, anywhere, under any circumstances. But this past year, however, I got sick a few times. Not REALLY sick. Nothing that would frighten me into changing my ways. But these occurrences where a warning. A warning I refused to acknowledge.

So last night, I wanted to eat something. I was hungry, bored, and lazy. I wanted food, I wanted something I hadn't had in a while, and I didn't want to do any work. I decided to embark on an adventure to the back of the pantry.

There wasn't a wide array of items available. Nothing was calling out to me. But then, in the very back corner, I spotted a strange red box. Upon inspection, I discovered it to be a package of Zatarain's cheesy jambalaya mix. I had no recollection of ever purchasing it, nor any idea why I even would have. I immediately decided to eat it.

This was going to need some doctoring. After destroying the freezer, I discovered about a half pound of some ancient mystery sausage. It was wrapped in aged butcher's paper. Or perhaps it was papyrus. I couldn't quite tell what kind of sausage it was, but I'm guessing it was some sort of Chorizo/Andoulle hybrid that I must have made during my days in the meat industry, YEARS AGO.

I thawed it, and began to brown it. Once it was about half cooked, I gave it a taste. The texture was poor from being frozen for so long, and it was way too salty, but these were problems I was confident I could work around. It was time to add the jambalaya mix.

When I opened the package, I was shocked to discover that the contents had solidified into a perfectly rectangular brick. I tried to crush it, but alas, it was impossible. I checked the box for an expiration date. June, 2009. I briefly considered aborting the entire operation, but decided to press forward. I placed the jambalaya brick and a few cups of water into the pot. After a minute or two of boiling, the brick softened somewhat. I managed to first break it up, and then, using a fork, smash it into pasty chunks. Eventually, after around ten minutes, the mixture became homogeneous. Success!

The finished product was, well, edible. My seasoning made it palatable, I'd definitely eaten worse concoctions. So I filled a large bowl, and ate it. My girlfriend scoffed at this meal, and refused to eat any of it. I denounced her as a coward, and continued eating.

Twelve hours later, I came to the realization that sometimes there exists a wisdom within cowardice.

I'll spare you all of the details. But I was sick. Severely sick. This was no mild feeling of illness. This was full blown lie-on-the-floor-and-pray-to-God-for-salvation-while-repenting-of-your-evil-deeds sick. For a while I feared I would die, eventually, I wanted to die. It's not as bad as it was, but I'm still not anywhere near 100%.

Have I learned this time? Will I make this mistake again? I'm really not sure. It remains to be seen. But what I do know is that Zatarain's is a totally irresponsible company. They should make those expiration dates larger and easier to read. And perhaps warn people that the contents of the package are not to be consumed once they morph into brick form. Otherwise, somebody could seriously get sick...

9 comments:

  1. Too funny Matt, very glad to hear Holly had the common sense to pass on this dish..ha!!

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  2. I am very careful with food because I loathe sitting on the toilet with a bucket under my chin. My mom violates every safe food handling practice known. My stomach heaves every time I watch her cook.

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  3. what a fun romp of a story! :)

    thanks for posting, and, get well soon!

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  4. Your blaming the Zatarains company....I think, perhaps, it was the mystery meat that may have been the problem!!

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  5. zatarains red beans and rice. i ate at least 1 whole box and if i'm not mistaken caused swelling under my eye on at least two occasions. it looked really bad the second time like bags. but it cleared up thankfully. i can't eat this again for this reason.

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  6. I'm debating now on cooking an out of date box of Zatarains. But I think it was the meat.

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  7. I just cooked and ate some Red Beans & Rice that was two years past expiration. It has been three days and I am still alive. LOL. The peppers were very dark (supposed to be green and red), but it tasted ok. The spice mix took a little while to finally dissolve - lots of stirring and pressing the chunks with the spoon. No gastronomical issues other than those typically associated with eating beans. Overall, I think everything is fine. If it is all you have in the pantry, go for it!

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  8. My family has been sick twice(back to back) but not the same meal from Zatarain's gumbo mix. Not expired.(2021) So never again.

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  9. It was probably the meat, not the zatarains.

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