The consumers...

I recently found myself eating breakfast in a local restaurant that I frequent. I'm familiar with many of the service staff. One lady, in particular, has waited on me several times. On my last visit, as I was leaving, she stopped me...

"Are you a waiter?" She asked. "No. I'm kitchen staff... What makes you think that?". "Well," she said, "You always tip 25%, you pre-bus your table, and today you collected all the trash, placed it on the plates you stacked, And wiped the table off with a napkin. I also saw you clean the top of the ketchup bottle." I started laughing. I explained that it was just my habit. She was very busy. In fact the entire staff was very busy. When a restaurant I'm eating in is slammed, I get a nervous feeling. I find myself wanting to do something. I can't relax. As if I were working, I switch gears and start hurrying.

She laughed and told me that she experiences the same thing. "I can't go out to eat during the busy times." She said. "I find myself scanning the tables for drink refills." Just then, a lady two tables away snapped her fingers in the air and yelled "Ma'am? Ma'am?" in a loud voice. I smiled, the waitress quietly let out a sigh of despair, we nodded at one another, and we parted ways.

She's a very good server. Fast. Efficient. Friendly, but not fake. She doesn't blow any smoke, she doesn't make mistakes, and she deals with peoples bullshit like a champion. Her ability to work with the public is far superior to mine.

The experience got me thinking...

You see, I have worked face-to-face customer service, off and on, for about five years of my life. Most of that time was spent behind a meat counter, later I started cooking breakfast and lunch in a cafeteria type setting. I know what the customer is. Terrible, rude, and stupid.

Not all of them, of course. About 75% of people are decent. Some are very kind, funny, and loving. But the remaining 25% are so vile and idiotic that they seem to disprove the theory of evolution.

I would like to give this small percentage of the public a few tips for how to behave when dealing with any member of customer service, anywhere. Read these tips closely, any of them may just save your life someday...

1. Get off the phone! Seriously. Society has gone too far with the communication devices. If you want someones undivided attention, be prepared to give them yours. If I have to repeat myself because you're busy listening to the person on the phone, I'm going to start fantasizing about stabbing you. And the level of service you receive begins declining immediately. Trust me, it isn't just me who hates this. Your gossipy conversation about soccer-mom bullshit can wait. It's disrespectful, and generally, whatever conversation I'm overhearing makes you look stupid anyway.

2. As referenced above, Don't snap or whistle to get someones attention. We aren't dogs, and we aren't slaves. I have nearly attacked people for doing this before. Learn some manners.

3. Tip appropriately. Especially in restaurants. If the service is even decent, that's 18%. If excellent, I'll tip 30%. Servers live off that money. They often don't collect a paycheck at all. If you think that's too much to tip, then stay at home. Learn how to cook for yourself. It is to your benefit to do this. Servers have very good memories. Especially the women. If you leave them 8%, they will remember your face if you come back three months later. And many of them will do just enough to not get a complaint. If you stiff the pizza guy, he'll remember the address. And the next time you order, he'll be in no hurry to get to your house. Be polite, tip the server 30%, and they'll treat you like royalty. That's how it works.

4. Be an informed consumer. Avoid stupid ass questions. Don't ask the butcher what the difference between beef and pork is. Don't ask the server if the cheeseburger has meat in it. Read the menu description before you order, and if it clearly states there are caramelized onions, don't complain about said onions when the food gets to the table. It's your job to be literate.

5. Get that ego in-check. Never treat the people serving you as if you are better. You aren't. Assume nothing about our level of education. The people of the service industry are often intelligent, highly skilled, and very hard workers. The average white-collar who pulls in 100k a year wouldn't make it through a Friday night on saute station anywhere, ever. The Mexican dishwasher would work circles around said white-collar.

It may seem like I'm being harsh, but I guarantee 99% of service industry workers agree with every word I've said. If you routinely receive poor service, your probably guilty of many of these offenses. It isn't them, it's you. I obey all of these rules, and guess what? I receive good service 99% of the time. That isn't just a coincidence.